Saturday, March 29, 2008Y
I went out with xuyue today :D Went to lib n bukit timah plaza. TODAY ROCKED :D
Bought loads of birthday presents! SPENT ALL MY POCKET MONEY FOR THIS WEEK >< Luckily I've got savings. Hehs.
SHALL NOT TELL YOU WHAT I BOUGHT.
I bought b-dae presents for xinyi(belated) shichen(right on time) and baoyi(belated).
Hahas. Lib that time I FORGOT TO BRING MY LIBRARY CARDS.
Ended up borrowing under xuyue's account. Hahas. THANK YOU XUYUE FOR LETTING ME BORROW :D
Planned to do yue du bao gao with one of the books which can be found in the sch lib. So can fake :D
Are we required to write the spinal code? If so... nvm. I won't die.. just search the sch lib catalogue can le :D and i dun think ji lao shi would spend the time to go and check your account. She will just mark :D
Wth. The fine thingy... They didn't even request me to pay. Lols. So I'm debating to myself whether to go there and pay. But would look DAMN awkward. Since it's around a week ago.
Nvm lah.
I AM SO HAPPY TODAY!!!
I'm supposed to write the chinese poem. I WANT to write poem. But i dunno how to write. I said that I'm going to turn into a pen. But I dunno how to write. Too many mixed feelings. and I'm not the sort that are built for expressing. I'm the silent kind who don't know how to express. But there are less limitations with a pen. Things that you feel odd saying it out sounds okay if you write it out. At least, that's how I feel.
But programming all those things into a poem, or even a paragraph is hard. If you really want me to write it, I could have written a zuowen. Really. I've stored just, so, so, so, much things in the memory. I don't think I can write it out.
Especially for a teacher to see. And there is the risk of reading it out to the class.
Simplicity can be touching. Yea, I know that.
But I just cannot express. It is just stuck there like a lump. I don't even dare to think about it. I'm scared that I'll cry. Because I would be very touched. That's what happens, whenever I get scolded I'll reflect. And the reflection would make me cry. And my mum would ask me what's wrong. And I couldn't say the reason. Because, the reason branches out. Like a mind map. If I tell her the ultimate reason, which is, just, simply, "Mum, I love you", it is blank. But if I state everything one by one, I can't say it out. It would be stuck there like a lump.
I'm not sure what the lump is made of. Mixed feelings, perhaps. Confused thoughts, maybe.
I just feel as if I owe my mum something.
She's so nice. But I've never been that dong shi. Usually skimpy. And sometimes I display irritation towards her.
Yeah. I can't help it. It just comes out like that. Because I don't want to say anything.
I like to keep things to myself. Especially problems, because I don't want another person upset over it.
I consider myself independent. But then I find that I'm so dependent on her.
I consider myself inpenetratable. Like a fortress. I don't know whether I seem like that to her or not.
My thoughts. I don't like people probing into them when I don't feel like telling. I feel as if someone is trying to poke me. Like trying to harm me.
Yet when I want to tell, I need to tell, I don't know who to turn to.
Because I've never truly trusted anyone with my problems and my thoughts. I don't want someone to say it out to someone else. I'm scared of that. It has happened twice before. And now I lost confidence.
But yet again, when I open up, it is like opening a floodgate. Everything comes rushing out. And once it is opened, it is hard to close it. It just comes running out.
I consider the deepest thoughts my personal ones.
Yet I want someone to know them.
I don't know. I want have a long talk with her. But she always seem so busy. On the phone, sometimes working until 10, 11pm... she seems just, so, busy. I respond with acted business too. I don't know what caused me to do that.
I think I'm a bit jealous. with the time she spends with other people.
I don't know. It's all this mess. I can't really tell one feeling or another. I can't tell if someone is looking at me, talking about me. I always make the wrong deductions. Maybe I'm too suspicious. I AM too suspicious.
I don't know whether it is the feeling of insecurity or not.
I don't know.
I'm not bothering to censor.
Because I want people to know.
I'm feeling really quiet inside now.
I know that feeling really well. I always get it. When I'm reflecting something.
I treasure that feeling.
9:53 PM
